A YEAR FROM NOW
A Middle Aged Life
Out of Ballance
A YEAR FROM NOW
I recently went through a “Future-Self Envisioning Workshop” that a friend of mine created and facilitated (it was great, by the way. She did an amazing job!). It is about looking at our Roles and Core Values (which don’t always line up) and figuring out where you want to be a year from now based on what we learn. Where you want to be in a year could be something physical, mental, emotional – whatever you want it to be because it is about you. In this workshop, we:
First: Identified our top five Roles in our lives and put them in a pie chart (see image above) showing the amount of time we spend on each role. My top five roles are:
Employee
Mom
Wife
Friend
Daughter/Sister/Niece/etc
This took me a minute. I first wrote down my top five roles in a list and assigned percentages to each role before drawing my pie chart. Initially, I was not very honest with myself because I was embarrassed of myself for how things were shaking out. But, after an honest reality check, this is where I landed:
50% of my waking hours are spent working. This number is what led me to the reality check. I originally put 40% but when I really thought about it, it was more. A lot more.
30% Parenting. This number would have been much higher a few years ago. The kids are in their teens now and (another reality check) don’t want to hang with their parents anymore. Turns out, my husband and I are not cool. We did not know this.
10% Wifing (wifing isn’t a word, but it could be). This kind of broke my heart. My husband is an amazing human all the way around. He is kind, giving, and incredibly understanding/forgiving. He is my favorite person on the planet and I give him 10% of my time.
5% Friending. Thankfully with my closest friends, we can pick up right where we left off. We all understand that life can get in the way of getting together, but we’ve got each others’ backs.
5% on Daughter/Sister/Niece/etc. They have to love me, right? But I could probably do a little better on this one.
Second: We assigned a value to each role identifying the level of importance it has, 1 = most important and 5 = least important. For me this breaks out as:
1 = Wife
2 = Mom
3 = Daughter/Sister/Niece/etc.
4 = Friends
5 = Employee
While there is much more to this workshop, this portion of it was the most sobering for me for a few reasons:
That pie chart is way out of balance. 50% of my waking hours are working?* What the what?! I knew it was a lot, but boy howdy!
My family is paying the price for this lack of balance, my husband in particular.
100% of my time is spent on others. While I try to steal away an hour for a TV show I want to watch (a show that does NOT have a superhero in it) or get in an hour of exercise, it is generally done at the expense of a full night’s sleep.
While the pie chart breakout is necessary to an extent (I need to work for food, shelter, healthcare, etc), does work really need to take 50% of my time? Or could I knock it down 10% and give some of that time back to my husband and kids?
OR could I give 5% to my husband and take 5% of that time for me?
Taking time for yourself feels like a radical idea sometimes. There is so much guilt in taking time for yourself, right? Like, if I’m not living for my husband and kids, I’m a bad wife and mother. I know I need the time for myself. When I don’t get it I’m real cranky – and EVERYBODY suffers when that happens. But I feel guilty and weak asking for it, much less actually taking it.
That guilt and weakness do not necessarily stem from anything my kids or my husband do, but from people/influences outside of our home:
From the Instagram page and mommy bloggers that I follow with the perfect kids/husband who eat super healthy meals and don’t watch TV.
TV shows and ads showing that fully put together mom doing everything for her family – and maybe the ad shows her eating one piece of chocolate to reward herself.
Also, ONE piece of chocolate?! C’mon!
Snarky parents at my kids’ schools. You know the parents. The ones who wage war on the school administration over a made-up “issue” or try to take over the Christmas Party you’re planning because toilet paper roll angels aren’t a good enough craft. And decorating Christmas cookies as an activity? “Couldn’t we come up with a healthier option?”. You don’t like my ideas, then you should have signed up to plan this Christmas party! But you didn’t, did you?!
I’m not bitter.
Parents/In-laws. Need I say more? **
These people/influences, frankly, don’t matter. They just don’t. Their lives are not mine. Their frames of reference have nothing to do with me. So, what is right for MY family? What is right for ME? Why am I not taking this time for myself?
A Year From Now, I want my life to be more balanced. I envision (see what I did there?) spending more time with my husband and doing more for myself. That could be working more on this blog, exercising at a reasonable hour of the day, watching TV, reading, whatever helps me grow. I will figure that out as I go. I think the important part is that I take the time.
So, what are your roles? Does their level of importance match your Core Values and the time you spend on them? Is there a sliver on your pie chart for YOU? If not, don’t you think there should be?
Would love to hear from you.
Until next time.
#grayhairblogging
*I should mention that my boss is amazing and values work/life balance more than any other boss I’ve ever had. I’m a workaholic. It’s a problem.
**I’m very fortunate on this one.