HAVING IT ALL

There is this bit that comedian Michelle Wolf does in her special “Nice Lady” (very funny!) that really hit home for me. In the bit, she states that she doesn’t want kids or a family. She wants a career. When someone points out that she doesn’t have to choose between kids/family and a career, she can “have it all”, she says “you’ve never left an all-you-can-eat buffet and thought ‘I feel really good about myself”. She goes on to say that women CAN have a career and kids/family, but beware, there are some obstacles. She continues by hilariously rattling off the two sides of “having it all”.

You should breastfeed, it’s what’s best for the baby. But don’t do it in public!

“Don’t ask for time off when your kids are sick, we’ll think you’re not dedicated to your job. Also, why are you such a bad mom?”

She ends this rant with “…..and sweetie, SMILE!”.

While I was belly laughing through the entire thing, it stung because there is truth to it.

How many of you working moms have felt like a total failure as it relates to your kids and/or work in the last month?

Last week?

In the last 10 minutes?

I feel like most of us are raising our hands here, right?

So, is “having it all” really a thing? Do we pay a “happiness tax” in our pursuit to “have it all”?

In doing some reading up for this post, I was able to find an article online to support just about any opinion you may have on this topic.

So here is my opinion based on my own experience.

In my opinion, it sure does feel like there is a “happiness tax” in trying to “have it all.” To me, it seems the evolution of moms in the workplace has outpaced the evolution of working moms at home. That is to say, we have taken on more responsibilities/higher ranking roles at work (while getting paid less than our male counterparts - not an opinion), but our duties at home have stayed consistent across traditional gender lines. Women still do the bulk of the cooking, cleaning, child care, grocery shopping, etc. And because we are so busy trying to “have it all”, or, frankly, just trying to make ends meet because being a stay-at-home mom was never (fiscally) an option for our family, we can lose sight of ourselves. Our identity is wrapped up in being a mom, a wife, and an employee. We are so much more than that.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago what my hobbies were or what I did for myself, it would have likely been met with a blank stare followed by some light crying.

Just kidding.

I would have said spending time with my family which usually meant pulling together some kind of structured activity that our kids would enjoy. Oddly, what I wanted wasn’t really part of that equation because I didn’t make it part of the equation. I felt like what I wanted didn’t matter. Like I had to sacrifice what I wanted (and sometimes what I needed) so that everybody else could be happy. And while I did find doing these activities enjoyable (I find joy in my family’s happiness) it wasn’t for me. It was for them. There is a reason I have seen so many Marvel Comics movies and it’s not because I wanted to go see them or because Robert Downey Jr is as handsome as ever (which he is). It’s because my family wanted to go to them and in order to spend time with them, I went along.

However, it does feel like this trend is changing, albeit slowly. At our house, for example, my husband does about 50% of the cooking which is helpful - now we can both feel like total failures, equally, at dinner time. That is nice. My husband also encourages me to get out and do things for myself. Sometimes he forces me to go out do something for myself. I’ve said it before, I wish a partner like my husband for everybody.

So, back to the original question. Can women really “have it all”? Personally, to some degree, I think you can. I don’t say this lightly. “Having it all” is difficult. There is a learning curve for certain. Over the years I’ve had to:

  1. Learn how to rely on others. I’m very independent and asking for help feels like a weakness, but if I don’t I will burn out and everybody pays. I’m not great at this yet, but I’m working on it.

  2. You have to have thick skin at times - it is sincerely crazy what people think they have the right to say to you. Depending on who says what, it can be easy to blow off or it can cut deep, but whatever was said is about the person saying it, not you.

  3. I’ve had to learn how to let stuff go. There are general assumptions made about me (like I don’t know my kids’ school schedules because I work/travel so much) that are annoying, but I have to let it go. Also, when my husband takes the kids to the doctor, other moms oooooh and ahhhhh because he is so amazing, which he is, but WTF? I take the kids to the doctor 9 times out of 10 and nobody oooohs and ahhhs. It’s just expected.

  4. Continue to work on letting stuff go. Clearly, A LOT more room to improve on this one.

  5. Pick your battles. If somebody says something offensive or makes an assumption of you that is incorrect, respectfully speak up. Some things may not be worth your time, but some are. You don’t have to level that person for what they said because chances are that their intent was not to offend. If their intent was to offend, do what you must to stand up for yourself.

Now, all of this said, “having it all” really is a challenge. But why? I’ve spent years feeling like a failure because of outside sources that, as I’ve said before, have nothing to do with my life. I’ve allowed them to make me pay a “happiness tax” in my attempt to “have it all”. So why did I let that happen? I honestly don’t know, but I think I’ve wasted enough time allowing it to happen.

What are your thoughts on “having it all”? Do you think it is possible? A joke? Tough to accomplish without giving up on your own dreams? Would love to hear from you.

Until next time.

#grayhairblogging

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